Series: Longing and Belonging - Connection 3/3

Where is Everybody? All I see are People? - Longing

Part 3 of 3: Connection with Intention, Not Perfection

If you’ve made it this far in the series, chances are the ache we’ve been talking about feels familiar.

Loneliness and the longing for belonging. The typical size of people's close social circles is two thirds what it was in the mid-80s, with loneliness increasing (Holt-Lunstad & Robles, 2017). So, maybe you have felt the romanticization and nostalgia (vicarious or not) of that time.

Maybe you’ve noticed that your nervous system perks up during real conversation, or that it sags after too much scrolling, too many half-connections. Maybe you’re feeling the stress effects of disconnection in your body, your sleep, your mood.

Surrounded by avatars and character models, filters and shaky portrait videos, reels and streams, you may be wondering where to find people, IRL.

The good news? You don’t need to wait for a DeLorean (Before your time?). You can start building the kind of connection your nervous system craves, bit by bit, moment by moment.

A Framework for Finding Your People

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula. Think of it as an option, a practice, a way to gently tune in to what you need, what’s available, and how to stay open even when it feels awkward.

Reflect, Reach, Regulate, Reframe, Repeat

1. Reflect: Who’s Already Around You?

Start with your existing world.

Some have found it helpful to ask themself:

• Who’s already in my orbit?

  • Coworkers? Gym buddies? Classmates? Neighbors?

• Is there someone I’ve wanted to get to know better?

• Are there spaces I frequent where I could invite conversation?

Co-workers chatting

Friends with hobby have a conversation

Co-workers laughing

If no one comes to mind, no shame. That’s where new spaces come in.

2. Reach: Invite, Gently

Connection begins with a bid, a small offer of shared experience.

You might experiment with:

• “I’m experimenting with living more offline, want to grab lunch and walk?”

• “I’m thinking about joining a book club/dance class/board game night, want to come?”

• “I’m trying to host a monthly potluck - super casual, phones on silent. Want in?”

You don’t need to make it deep or dramatic. You’re just making room for a yes.

3. Regulate: It’s Okay to Feel Awkward

Our bodies can interpret reaching out as a threat - the heart races, the stomach drops, the inner critic kicks in. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It means your nervous system is doing what it’s wired to do: protect you from rejection.

But here’s the truth: Rejection stings, yes, and it means you tried and you’re aiming for what matters.

You could see what it’s like to take a breath. It could be helpful to co-regulate if you can (with a friend, family member, or pet) or to self-regulate (journaling, self-compassion, movement - some are surprised by how grounding this can feel).

Then you can decide to keep going.

4. Reframe: People Are Messy, Not Malicious

Life gets busy. Plans get canceled. Texts get forgotten.

Instead of assuming “they don’t want me around,” you may want to see if another perspective fits:

• “They might be overwhelmed, not rejecting me.”

• “I can follow up without being a burden.”

• “Maybe they’re also unsure how to navigate this.”

• "I don't know what's going on for them."

Adjusting to give people room to be imperfect is kind and allows you to misstep, too.

Many of us are learning how to connect again.

And if a pattern of disconnection continues, you can explore the next steps more clearly, e.g. speaking up or moving on.

5. Repeat: Try Again, Without Pressure

If someone says no? Try someone else. If the vibe is off? Try a different activity. If it feels awkward? That’s part of it.

Connection is practice over performance.

Practical Ideas to Build Community

➕ The plus-one effect – When you plan something, whether it’s dinner, a game night, or a neighborhood gathering, invite one or two friends and encourage them to bring someone you don’t know yet. It keeps the group personal, but plants the seeds for fresh connections.

Introversion Style

You don’t need a big social circle or loud personality to feel connected. You just need consistency, intention, and permission to be yourself.

Try:

• Potluck dinners – everyone brings something, phones stay away

• Board games or D&D – small group strategy and laughter builds closeness

• Zine-making or letter-writing nights – creative, cozy, unhurried

• Walk-and-talks – great for those who feel pressured by eye contact

• Task sharing or body doubling - help runing errands

And remember: introverts had friends in the 80s and 90s, too.You don’t need to change your personality. Just find formats that fit your rhythm.

Extroversion Style

Sometimes your social spark just needs kindling.Lean into energy, variety, and saying “yes” to connection.

Try:

Themed dinner parties – pick a decade, color, or cuisine and let guests dress or cook to match

• Group dance or movement classes – salsa, swing, ecstatic dance… fun and cardio

• Bar trivia or pub games – competitive but lighthearted, perfect for meeting new faces

• Neighborhood “micro-festival” – invite neighbors to contribute music, food, or art

• Adventure days – pile friends in a car for a day trip with zero overplanning, just curiosity

• PowerPoint parties or open mic nights – weird, wonderful, connective

What About Technology?

Let’s be clear: you don’t need to become a Luddite.

Technology isn’t inherently the problem. In fact, emerging tools like VR social spaces, AI companions, and intention-based platforms may help reduce loneliness, especially for those who face mobility or mental health barriers.

But even as tech evolves, our biology stays the same.

We still need warmth. Presence. Shared reality. The smell of dinner on the stove. The sound of a friend’s laugh in real time mirroring your experience as you laugh alongside them. The wholeness and humanity of simply being seen and known.

So yes, use tech, but let it support your connections, not replace them.

You’re Allowed to Want This

You’re allowed to want slowness. To want depth instead of speed. To want real people, not just notifications.

If you’ve been feeling the ache, that longing for a kind of connection that’s harder to find these days, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.

It means something right is waking up.

You might notice how it feels to start small, invite gently, regulate when it’s hard, reframe when it stings, try again if need be, and then savour and celebrate those moments of synchronicity and connection.

Your people are out there, longing, awkward, brave, and human. Just like you.

About the Post & References

This post is for general educational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice or therapy and is not intended to replace personalized care from a licensed mental health professional in Canada.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Robles, T. F., & Sbarra, D. A. (2017). Advancing social connection as a public health priority in the United States. American Psychologist, 72(6), 517–530. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000103