_edited.png)
.png){kind=logo}
Series: Longing and Belonging (3/3) - Connection
- Mar 9
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 9
Part 3 of 3: Connection with Intention, Not Perfection
If you’ve made it this far in the series, chances are the ache we’ve been talking about feels familiar.
Loneliness and the longing for connection
The typical size of people's close social circles is two thirds what it was in the mid-80s, with loneliness increasing (Holt-Lunstad & Robles, 2017). So, maybe you have felt the romanticization and nostalgia (vicarious or not) of that time.
Maybe you’ve noticed that your nervous system perks up during real conversation, or that it sags after scrolling the endless reels of pseudo-connections. Maybe you’re feeling the stress effects of disconnection in your body, your sleep, your mood.
Surrounded by avatars and character models, filtered portrait videos, reels and streams, you may be wondering where to find people, IRL.
The good news? You don’t need to wait for a DeLorean (Before your time?). You can start building the kind of connection your nervous system craves, bit by bit, moment by moment.
A Framework for Finding Your People
This isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula. Think of it as an option, a practice, a way to tune in to what you need, what’s available, and how to stay open even when it feels awkward.
Reflect, Reach, Regulate, Reframe, Repeat
1. Reflect: Who’s Already Around You?
Start with your existing world.
Some have found it helpful to ask themself:
Who’s already in my orbit?
Coworkers? Gym buddies? Classmates? Neighbors?
Is there someone I’ve wanted to get to know better?
Are there spaces I frequent where I could invite conversation?
If no one comes to mind, no shame. That’s where new spaces come in.
2. Reach: Invite, Gently
Connection begins with a bid, a small offer of shared experience.
You might experiment with:
“I’m experimenting with living more offline, want to grab lunch and walk?”
“I’m thinking about joining a book club/dance class/board game night, I'd like you to join!"
“I’m trying to host a monthly potluck - super casual, phones on silent. Want in?”
You don’t need to make it deep or dramatic. You’re just making room for a yes.
3. Regulate: It’s Okay to Feel Awkward
Our bodies can interpret reaching out as a threat - the heart races, the stomach drops, the inner critic kicks in. It means your nervous system is doing what it’s wired to do: protect you from rejection. And rejection stings, but it means you tried and you are aiming for what matters to you.
If rejection happens, take a deep breath, co-regulate (with a friend, family member, or pet), or self-regulate (journaling, self-compassion, movement), and then, you can decide to keep going.
4. Reframe: Generally, People Are Messy, Not Malicious
Life gets busy. Plans get canceled. Texts get forgotten. Life gets busy.
Instead of assuming “they don’t want me around,” you may want to see if another perspective fits:
“They might be overwhelmed, not rejecting me.”
“I can follow up without being a burden.”
“Maybe they’re also unsure how to navigate this.”
And my favourite:
"I don't know what's going on for them."
Adjusting to give people room to be imperfect is kind and allows you to misstep, too.
Many of us are learning how to connect again.
And if a pattern of disconnection continues, you can explore the next steps more clearly, e.g. speaking up or moving on and then savour and celebrate those moments of synchronicity when they do come.
5. Repeat: Try Again, Without Pressure
If someone says no? Try someone else.
If the vibe is off? Try a different activity.
If it feels awkward? That’s part of it.
Connection is practice over performance.
Practical Ideas to Build Community
➕ The plus-one effect – When you plan something, whether it’s dinner, a game night, or a neighborhood gathering, invite one or two friends and encourage them to bring someone you don’t know yet. It keeps the group personal, but plants the seeds for fresh connections.
Introversion Style
You don’t need a big social circle or loud personality to feel connected. You just need consistency, intention, and permission to be yourself.
Try:
Potluck dinners – everyone brings something, phones stay away
Board games or D&D – small group strategy and laughter builds closeness
Zine-making or letter-writing nights – creative, cozy, unhurried
Walk-and-talks – great for those who feel nervous or feel pressured by eye contact
Task sharing or body doubling - help runing errands
Extroversion Style
Sometimes your social spark just needs kindling. Lean into energy, variety, and saying “yes” to connection.
Try:
Themed dinner parties or micro-festivals – pick a decade, color, or cuisine and let guests dress or cook to match
Group dance or movement classes – salsa, swing, ecstatic dance… fun and cardio
Bar trivia or pub games – competitive but lighthearted, perfect for meeting new faces
Adventure days – pile friends in a car for a day trip with zero overplanning, just curiosity
PowerPoint parties or open mic nights – weird, wonderful, compelling, connective
What About Technology?
Technology isn’t inherently the problem. In fact, emerging tools like VR social spaces, AI companions, and intention-based platforms may help reduce loneliness, especially for those who face mobility or mental health barriers.
But even as tech evolves, our biology stays the same.
We still need warmth, presence, shared reality. The smell of dinner on the stove. The sound of a friend’s laugh in real time mirroring your experience as you laugh alongside them. The wholeness and humanity of simply being seen and known.
So yes, use tech, but let it support your connections, not replace them.
You’re Allowed to Want This
You’re allowed to want slowness. To want depth instead of speed. To want real people, not just notifications.
Your people are out there, longing, awkward, brave, and human. Just like you.
Earlier in this series, I asked why a trauma therapist would focus so much on loneliness and connection. At this point, the answer begins to take shape. Loneliness is closely tied to how the nervous system learns about safety, closeness, and trust. When connection has been inconsistent or unsafe, the system adapts in ways that can make reaching others feel complicated, even when the desire is there. Understanding loneliness in this way shifts it from something to overcome into something to understand. From there, connection can be approached more intentionally, in ways that align with how the body actually experiences safety and relationship.
What Tech-based support have you tried for building IRL friendship connections?
Meetup.com
Bumble For Friends
We3
Eventbrite
About the Post & References
This post is for general educational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice or therapy and is not intended to replace personalized care from a licensed mental health professional in Canada.
Comments